BANGKOK – Police have confirmed that their intelligence reports all point conclusively to Thaksin still being on the earth’s surface. "From the latest check, there is no record to confirm that Thaksin has left the planet," police spokesman Lt General Watcharaphol Prasanratchakit said.

Watcharaphol said police have already contacted Interpol, the CIA, the Russian security services, Mossad, the Chinese Communist Party, the Mexican Federalis, Robert Mugabe, the Canadian Mounties, and Captain Jack Sparrow for assistance in further narrowing down Thaksin's whereabouts and arresting him.

Having definitively eliminated the possibility that Thaksin has escaped earth’s atmosphere and gravitational field, the police are confident that the fugitive ex-PM is cornered. “We’re sure we are very close to arresting and extraditing him,” Watcharaphol continued. “We’re checking Google Earth all the time, hoping to see him, and we’ve also asked Thais in Los Angeles to look out for him in restaurants.”

Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva thanked the police and commended them on their hard work.