BANGKOK – Today the Thai police were roundly praised for the absence of any massive, catastrophic events during the December holiday period. As citizens returned to work with no reports of bombs, blazing infernos, collapsed roofs, stampedes, or any other kind of multi-death tragedies resulting from negligence and corruption, the police officially declared success and congratulated themselves.

“Compared to last year, New Year deaths are down by a factor of 100%,” said acting chief Pol Gen Pateep Tanprasert. “Clearly that corresponds to a massive improvement in police performance. I think we can all agree that there is no more corruption or insurgency in this country.”

When asked about the 168 people killed on the road during the holiday period, Pateep said that road deaths were normal and not an indicator of police performance.